Dealing with Bullying Gurus

Dealing with bullying Gurus

We all rightfully look to our devotee community to be a safe place, a retreat into relationships that support, encourage, and challenge us. The family of Krishna comes to worship together and live life together as we work for the mission of the Prabhupad—to spread the message of Lord Chaitanya and welcome conditioned souls. We find grace, forgiveness, and hope. However, not all of us experience such a utopia. What happens when we are betrayed by the very devotee community whom we trust? We become deeply wounded, jaded, and confused. This is true when in any family abuse goes unchecked. Perpetrators in the devotee community hide behind spirituality and can blindside us. These perpetrators can even be preachers and managers in the community. They are actually representatives of Hiranyakashipu, trying to inflict pain upon innocent devotees like Prahalad.

How do we deal with these spiritual bullies? I have identified four bullies and their tactics with counterpunch strategies to protect yourself and the community. These predators are not monolithically evil. This is what makes it such a difficult issue. These prabhujis or matajis of Prabhupad’s mission are bent on bad behavior that often is done in their minds for “good” reasons.

1. The Spiritualizer.

“Hey, I remember you saying you were available to serve every other week on our subji purchasing team. Would not taking a break be against your call and commitment? After all, this is service to Guru and Krishna” The Spiritualizer will use spiritual language to convince you to do what they want since your issue is not spiritual. They define for you what to be guilty about rather than empower you to decide that for yourself.

Counterpunch: Trust your own conscience and reasoning.

2. The Score Keeper.

“I’m your friend and mentor and have prayed with you during your difficulties as well as guided you to be successful. Now, its time for you to help me out. Please stay at this temple/centre for 1 year more. And, can you wash my cloths, too?” Sometimes this bully will be super nice to you, only to cash in. You win chips, but they are not yours to keep! He or she keeps score.

Counterpunch: Do the opposite. Love without any expectations. Keeping score gives a clue that the agenda is not entirely honorable. Take note of that.

3. The Intimidator.

“Oh, don’t you think it will look bad if you leave the seva while your marriage is going through a tough time? Doesn’t this show a lack of faith? I’m not sure I can guide you if you quit.” The Intimidator counts on you backing off and feeling terrible in order to serve their needs. While the Spiritualizer simply implies this through language, the Intimidator goes on the attack, reminding you of what you will lose if you don’t decide their way!

Counterpunch: Lovingly give yourself boundaries and distance to these guys! However hurtful and sad, some people just have to be kept at a distance.

4. The Patronizer.

“Of course you think Krishna is telling you to move, but are you sure you can hear his voice? How do you know it is paramatma speaking to you?” The Patronizer dethrones your sense of confidence in order to instill in them the right to be the gatekeeper for God’s voice. To put you into self doubt is to keep you off your game and open you to their devices. This is very dangerous if not checked!

Counterpunch: You need mature trainers and not spoon feeders. Be an adult and seek advice that empowers you not destabilizes your ability to reason.

The primary strategy for dealing with bullies is not to play their game. If you pile shame on the Spiritualizer you become a bully yourself. The devotee community does not need more bullies, right? However, unhealthy people need to be identified and sometimes mitigated for the sake of the family. They do not stop being your family, they just are not allowed into your leadership or given trust with the vulnerable.